2 toasts
1 boiled egg
1 fruit salad
= 228
excercise = 500
Total: NEGATIVE!
So, first of all thank you SO much for all the tips for the interview. I spent my evening just reading about the college, preparing myself for the personal questions etc...
Today I was invited to spend the weekend with my theater friends! It's not an ACTUAL weekend, cause we go sunday morning and come back monday evening. It will be AWESOME. Probably a lot of alcohol involved, which means that I won't be able to eat a lot, cause I need to save calories for the drinks.
I'm super excited about this trip cause I REALLY need to get out of town and just have fun....maybe that's what I need, F-U-N.
I'm feeling really full after this fruit salad, but I guess I did a good job today...tomorrow I'll spend my evening at theater classes, which means NO DINNER FOR ME, YAY!
Tomorrow: 400cals.
I feel like binging, SO I'm schewing gum like nuts.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
What now?
Today I was SUPPOSE to start the 8642 diet, which didn't happen. I was going pretty good until I got ann e-mail from a college [let's just call it "college H*"], schduling a interview with me on thurday.
I don't even have to say that the e-mail was MORE and a reason enough for me to freak out and, as a consequence, to binge. Ok, I now I was weak and everything but try to see things like I do for a second:
I'm a freaking international student, which means that I don't have ANY idea how this interviews work, I don't know what they will ask, I don't know what do answer, I don't know what to wear, I don't know how to behave, I don't know anything. This application process is new to me, in my country we only take a fucking test and that's it, you're in college.
I'm scared as hell, so if ANY of you know anything about interview, could you PLEASE help me?!
Whatever, so now I'll start the 2468 diet tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.
By the way, here's an idea:
Why don't we chose a diet, and some of us start the same diet, on the same day and eat EXACTLY the same thing in the same time. By the end of the diet we post the result and we compare to see if the diet is good to everybody, or if it only works in some girls, and if it only works with some, we should try to figure out why. This way we would have a database of some diets so we know which one works with each type of body/person.
I thought you might like the idea.
A reminder: I can only weight myself on friday. CRAP.
I don't even have to say that the e-mail was MORE and a reason enough for me to freak out and, as a consequence, to binge. Ok, I now I was weak and everything but try to see things like I do for a second:
I'm a freaking international student, which means that I don't have ANY idea how this interviews work, I don't know what they will ask, I don't know what do answer, I don't know what to wear, I don't know how to behave, I don't know anything. This application process is new to me, in my country we only take a fucking test and that's it, you're in college.
I'm scared as hell, so if ANY of you know anything about interview, could you PLEASE help me?!
Whatever, so now I'll start the 2468 diet tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.
By the way, here's an idea:
Why don't we chose a diet, and some of us start the same diet, on the same day and eat EXACTLY the same thing in the same time. By the end of the diet we post the result and we compare to see if the diet is good to everybody, or if it only works in some girls, and if it only works with some, we should try to figure out why. This way we would have a database of some diets so we know which one works with each type of body/person.
I thought you might like the idea.
A reminder: I can only weight myself on friday. CRAP.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Damn it
I decided that I won't weight myself everyday.
I don't know if it happens to all of you, but when I start weighting myself everyday, I suddenly can't sleep anymore because I can't wait to wake up on the next day and weight myself!
And I REALLY need to sleep if I want to work out 2h a from monday to sunday. Therefore, starting no, I'm only going to weight myself on fridays.
I hope I can make it.
Tomorrow I'll start the 2468 diet, but I'm going to start with the reverse: 8642 cause mom is here this weekend and guess what?! SHE HEARD ME PURGING YESTERDAY AND NOW SHE HAS HR EYES ON ME.
CRAP²²²²
Today I HAD to eat a lot, otherwise she would get EVEN MORE suspiscious. So I ate like a pig and I can't purge because she's right in the next room.
I guess I like her better when she's at her boyfriend's house and isn't here, at least when she isn't around I can fast.
I'm feeling do down because I ate that much....
I don't know what to say....
I don't know if it happens to all of you, but when I start weighting myself everyday, I suddenly can't sleep anymore because I can't wait to wake up on the next day and weight myself!
And I REALLY need to sleep if I want to work out 2h a from monday to sunday. Therefore, starting no, I'm only going to weight myself on fridays.
I hope I can make it.
Tomorrow I'll start the 2468 diet, but I'm going to start with the reverse: 8642 cause mom is here this weekend and guess what?! SHE HEARD ME PURGING YESTERDAY AND NOW SHE HAS HR EYES ON ME.
CRAP²²²²
Today I HAD to eat a lot, otherwise she would get EVEN MORE suspiscious. So I ate like a pig and I can't purge because she's right in the next room.
I guess I like her better when she's at her boyfriend's house and isn't here, at least when she isn't around I can fast.
I'm feeling do down because I ate that much....
I don't know what to say....
Friday, January 15, 2010
I purged...bad...
Ok, so today I woke up and I thought: why am I doing this again? Why am I starving myself if it doesn't work? Why don't I just start a healthy diet like normal people???
I couldn't answer any of this questions, so I convinced myself to eat heathly today.
I ate a toast with jam, a banana smoothie, breadsticks and at dinner I went to eat sushi with my mom.
Everything was fine until the sushi. I ate sushi like a normal person, I ate a little bit of everything, and I stopped when my stomach was full.
And then I heard Ana's voice screaming at me, and it's been SO LONG since the last time she screamed like that, that I was scared. She was screaming how fat I was, how stupid I was, and saying that I made the worst mistake of my life.
I got out of the restaurant, I was sad, I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted the food out of my body. I was ashamed of being the way I am.
For the first time in years I purged. I hate mia because when I do it, I feel dirty, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. but this time, I couldn't help myself, this time I purged till I couldn't do it anymore. And although I still don't like to purge, I admit it helped. I wasn't so anxious anymore. I wasn't feeling so bad.
And then out of the sudden I had diarrhea. But like, REALLY bad diarrhea. And I was happy. I was happy that all the food that I didn't purge was getting out of my system in another way.
I was happy that I was sick.
Conclusion of the day: now I know why I'm not doing a diet like normal people. I can't do it because I'm not normal anymore. I can't eat normally, I can't act normally. I'm sick, and as disturbing as it may sound, I like it.
I couldn't answer any of this questions, so I convinced myself to eat heathly today.
I ate a toast with jam, a banana smoothie, breadsticks and at dinner I went to eat sushi with my mom.
Everything was fine until the sushi. I ate sushi like a normal person, I ate a little bit of everything, and I stopped when my stomach was full.
And then I heard Ana's voice screaming at me, and it's been SO LONG since the last time she screamed like that, that I was scared. She was screaming how fat I was, how stupid I was, and saying that I made the worst mistake of my life.
I got out of the restaurant, I was sad, I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted the food out of my body. I was ashamed of being the way I am.
For the first time in years I purged. I hate mia because when I do it, I feel dirty, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. but this time, I couldn't help myself, this time I purged till I couldn't do it anymore. And although I still don't like to purge, I admit it helped. I wasn't so anxious anymore. I wasn't feeling so bad.
And then out of the sudden I had diarrhea. But like, REALLY bad diarrhea. And I was happy. I was happy that all the food that I didn't purge was getting out of my system in another way.
I was happy that I was sick.
Conclusion of the day: now I know why I'm not doing a diet like normal people. I can't do it because I'm not normal anymore. I can't eat normally, I can't act normally. I'm sick, and as disturbing as it may sound, I like it.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Who am I?
First of all thank you sooo much for all the comments [expecially Della's,], I didn't think I would get comments on my first post!
Anyway, it's time to introduce my life to you.
My family is officially a mess. My parents are divorced, my mother works from 6am to 7pm [she doesn't work THAT much, it's just cause she goes to the gym before work, so she actually gets there at 9 or 10am], and when she's not working she's at her boyfriend's house.
I haven't seen my dad in almost two years. He is lost in his own life. He's a drunk and drung addict. He never stays in the same address for more than 1 month, I don't have his cell phone and he never calls. I guess his life is messed up like that because he can't accept the fact that he's gay, so he kept running away from himself. Oh yeah, my father is gay. Oh yeah, he was married to my mom. Oh yeah, he had to kids with a woman. maybe I should talk about him later [if you want to hear]
My brother is 15, he's the reason why I'm still allive. He's smart, funny, cute, a good actor and not so good student. I don't care, even if he was the losest person on earth, he would still be the most important person in my life.
When I was in 8th grade my dad told me he was gay, a week later he was dating aboy that was only 3 years older than me.
This was when all started.
I stopped eating, I stopped living, I stopped time. My time. It was just to much information to handle, and I didn't want to handle it, so I created my little bubble of security and here I am until today.
Things got pretty bad very soon, in the middle of the year my principal was calling me in her office saying that mothers were calling the school and asking if I had cancer or HIV, because I looked really sick. I wasn't sick, I was skinny.
Anyway, of course that ruined everything. In school my teacher would make me eat in front of them, my friends would go to the bathroom with me so I wouldn't purge, my house was a mess.
I got fat.
I'm still fat
But not for long.
Now I'm smarter, now I know how to hide my ED from them, now I don't go to school anymore, Now everything will be just the way I wanted.
Todays's menu:
I'm planning on eating 3 fruits and 3 glasses of milk [milk diet]
I already ate 1 fruit and 1 glass of milk.
I can do this.
Anyway, it's time to introduce my life to you.
My family is officially a mess. My parents are divorced, my mother works from 6am to 7pm [she doesn't work THAT much, it's just cause she goes to the gym before work, so she actually gets there at 9 or 10am], and when she's not working she's at her boyfriend's house.
I haven't seen my dad in almost two years. He is lost in his own life. He's a drunk and drung addict. He never stays in the same address for more than 1 month, I don't have his cell phone and he never calls. I guess his life is messed up like that because he can't accept the fact that he's gay, so he kept running away from himself. Oh yeah, my father is gay. Oh yeah, he was married to my mom. Oh yeah, he had to kids with a woman. maybe I should talk about him later [if you want to hear]
My brother is 15, he's the reason why I'm still allive. He's smart, funny, cute, a good actor and not so good student. I don't care, even if he was the losest person on earth, he would still be the most important person in my life.
When I was in 8th grade my dad told me he was gay, a week later he was dating aboy that was only 3 years older than me.
This was when all started.
I stopped eating, I stopped living, I stopped time. My time. It was just to much information to handle, and I didn't want to handle it, so I created my little bubble of security and here I am until today.
Things got pretty bad very soon, in the middle of the year my principal was calling me in her office saying that mothers were calling the school and asking if I had cancer or HIV, because I looked really sick. I wasn't sick, I was skinny.
Anyway, of course that ruined everything. In school my teacher would make me eat in front of them, my friends would go to the bathroom with me so I wouldn't purge, my house was a mess.
I got fat.
I'm still fat
But not for long.
Now I'm smarter, now I know how to hide my ED from them, now I don't go to school anymore, Now everything will be just the way I wanted.
Todays's menu:
I'm planning on eating 3 fruits and 3 glasses of milk [milk diet]
I already ate 1 fruit and 1 glass of milk.
I can do this.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I don't know where to start
I guess I should start by saying that I'm not american or english or any other citizen from a country that has english as its native language. However, I don't think I should tell where I'm from [not yet at least].
I've been reading your blogs since I can remember, but I never found the courage to comment, I always thought I didn't have the right to give my opinion. But now, I'm here.
At first I thought that this blog would allow me to finally comment on all of your blogs, and connect with you in a way that I need more than you can image.
But now, now I can see that this blog has a completely different goal: I want you to read my story, and I want YOU to comment on it.
I need strenght, I need to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm going through.
I'll call myself M*.
I'm 18 years old.
I guess that's enough for you to understand me. I won't start this blog explaining why I'm here, or for how long I'm pro ana or mia. I will let you ask the questions, and I'll gladly answer them.
Yesterday I binged HARD. As a result I stayed at the gym till 11pm [as if THAT would work. loser.]
today my friends came here and guess what? THE COW HERE ATE CHOCOLATE.
I hate myself right now. always. never.
what's the difference anyway?
I need friends that can understand me.
I've been reading your blogs since I can remember, but I never found the courage to comment, I always thought I didn't have the right to give my opinion. But now, I'm here.
At first I thought that this blog would allow me to finally comment on all of your blogs, and connect with you in a way that I need more than you can image.
But now, now I can see that this blog has a completely different goal: I want you to read my story, and I want YOU to comment on it.
I need strenght, I need to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm going through.
I'll call myself M*.
I'm 18 years old.
I guess that's enough for you to understand me. I won't start this blog explaining why I'm here, or for how long I'm pro ana or mia. I will let you ask the questions, and I'll gladly answer them.
Yesterday I binged HARD. As a result I stayed at the gym till 11pm [as if THAT would work. loser.]
today my friends came here and guess what? THE COW HERE ATE CHOCOLATE.
I hate myself right now. always. never.
what's the difference anyway?
I need friends that can understand me.
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